she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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