evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
