That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
