Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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