I'm gonna have a badass scar
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I am spending my child support on dildos
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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