who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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