the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
