At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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