this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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