I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You're like the curious george of whores
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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