I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
