Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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