Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
