Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
