look no pants
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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