why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
