There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Michael Bay diarrhea
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
