You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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