is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
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hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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