I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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