Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
