thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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