mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
