So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
