the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
