Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
