The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
