awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
