I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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