I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If I die, sorry about rent.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
