I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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