everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
