i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
