ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
