i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
