At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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