The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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