saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
