Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the condom got lost in my hair
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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