Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
