At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
