I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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