Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
