bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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