Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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