If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
