I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
