im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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