well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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