Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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