I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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