Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
