FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
