That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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