The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
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Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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