rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize