i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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